Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
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joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Seems kinda suspicious
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.