I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
You Might Also Like
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
me after eating Cheetos
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”