Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
You Might Also Like
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu