The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
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Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Ooops wrong house😂😜
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so