If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
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[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t