[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
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embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.