Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
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I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.