Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
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Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*