43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
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One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Why can’t mirrors be nicer