Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
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Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Thursday Thought.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
The asteroid..
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.