[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
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For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
nature’s most graceful animal
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree