I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
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Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.