Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
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Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.