Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
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When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
With this onion ring, I thee fed
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
I’m having an out of money experience.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.