Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
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my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
$4 #usedbooks
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
live long and prosper!
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
In banana years, I am bread.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.