A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
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I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.