Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
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My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
*gets down on one knee*
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
I am also baked goods
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes