5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
You Might Also Like
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.