Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
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[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top