Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
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Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
oh u like history? name everything that happened
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
boat question
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…