The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
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[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?