Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
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If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
starting a garage orchestra
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.