My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
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Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Are you ok, human???
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.