My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
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[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Where’s my employee discount too?
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…