I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
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Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?