[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
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Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]