Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
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What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic