“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
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I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
So the ex texted me
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit