At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.