Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
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if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever