Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
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“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]