My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
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Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!