It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
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When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
He wanted to make sure😂
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like