Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
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Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Sending in my taxes
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.