During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
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*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.