can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
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When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall