Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
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Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever