In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
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A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming