My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
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Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Worth a try
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”