How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
You Might Also Like
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.