As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
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[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
lmaaaaaooooooooo
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
some Old Testament wisdom
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”