I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
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I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
こいつ天才
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not