DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
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*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Nothing.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
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.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”