familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
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My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face