*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
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Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Catercrombie & Fish
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.