{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
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In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
🙀🙀🙀😹
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT