I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
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Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir