There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.