Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
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I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Boating season is upon us.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized