When I laugh on my period
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My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
won’t smith
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.